4 years

Tomorrow will be four years since my mom died.  As the day has approached I have told myself how stupid it is to have so many days of the year that make me miss her.  Her birthday, the day she died, her funeral, holidays.  It is pathetic.  I know she lives on, I can feel her in my life often, I really shouldn't dwell on these days so much.  Tomorrow is an insanely busy day.  I set a goal last year on the anniversary that before next anniversary I would at least wash the clothes she died in.  Yup, still haven't done that.  Every year I pull them out and see the stain of the last strawberry milkshake I made her and think about how happy she was the last few days, and how frail and fragile she looked, and bawl my eyes out and put them away till next year.  Last year I decided that I should wash them, but that I would do it on a day that didn't hold so much meaning.  And here I am and I still haven't done it.  Does it ever get easier, will the day ever pass without me remembering? It was actually a beautiful thing to be part of and witness. It just feels like a very long ending for me.