The Same Mistakes

DISCLAIMER: I in no way think that anyone really wants to hear this or that I am going to help anyone but maybe myself in writing this. Pesident Kimball once said, progress is easier when it is timed, checked, and measured. This is where I am today. I am hoping to look at this post down the road and compare and hopefully I will see progress.
I was in the middle of my workout, going strong, thinking about Tony's birthday next Sunday. Memorial day is Monday, I decided I would try to remember some of the good times with my mom. I started to think of what today would be like if she was here today. Immediately I can't breathe. Stop thinking, stop thinking, breathe, breathe. Why can't I think about her without completely losing it. I calm down try again. I think about what it would be like to tell her my problems and have her tell me that it will all work out, she just knows it. Somehow it is more believable when your mom tells you. These last few weeks have been good, I shouldn't feel like this again. It makes me wonder if the things I have been doing are even helping. I realize that before starving myself was an addiction to me, and now I am doing better, but I keep happy each day by running, taking pictures. I feel happy when I do these things, but I now realize they are just more obsessions. My joints ache and grind, I took probablly 1500 pictures this weekend alone. Trying to see the happiness in my life through my lens maybe. No matter how long I run, or how fast, or how cute my pictures turn out, how much food I do or don't eat, there is always this pain inside. Why can't I just give it to him, who understands and has felt it all. Why am I so determined to carry it by myself. Why do I feel like it is my punishment for not being perfect. I wish I knew. This song by James Blunt reminds me of my life, especially this part
Hello, Hello, there is no place I cannot go.
My mind is knotted up, my heart is heavy.
Does it show. I lose the track that loses me.
So here I go.......
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came
back at dead of night. Said he'd seen my enemy.
Said he looked just like me. So I set out to cut
mysellf, and here I go......
I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at
the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

So now I will go and do my laundry, clean my house, play with my kids and try not to think. Someday I hope I can think without falling apart. Someday I hope there will only be love, not pain. Here are some pictures from this weekend. I have so much to be thankful for, and I have to remember that I am their mom, and right now they need me to tell them everything will be o.k, I just know it.