Missing Mom

I have been trying to write a post for the past three days to describe the way that I am feeling, but I always end up deleting it. It's probably because I don't quite understand what it is that is wrong. I feel like we are right in the middle of making some decisions about our future that could really impact our lives and our kids. The problem is that I don't feel like I am being prompted in any direction. I keep having a wait and see feeling, but how long can you live just waiting and seeing? The other thing is I still miss my mom so much. I feel like everyone around me is just like "get over it", so I feel like I can't really talk about it. I went over to my old house today for a lunch with some of the girls in my ward, and it was really hard. There was a lot of memories, and I came home feeling yucky. I am not a fun person when I am having a "moment" and trying to hide it. I felt like everyone could see right through it and they must be like "get over it all ready". It really makes me want to move and just get away from all these memories and people who know what I've been through this last year. I have always had the tendency to want to pull away from everyone except for those few people who I feel like understand and accept me with all my faults. I get so tired of people who are fake, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I just perceive them that way and people perceive me that way. It all just gives me a big headache. I really just want to run away from it all, the problem is you never really run away from it, it follows you. I'm sure that even if I moved across the country I would still miss my mom and feel crappy about myself. Why do I feel like if she were here it would be all right? I know that she didn't solve everything when she was alive. I think that having your mom makes you feel like no matter what else happens she will always love you. I miss having that person in my life that would still love me even if I was really rude to her. I feel so bad about all the times I was so impatient with her. Any of you that still have your moms make sure you tell them you love them more than you criticize them. I'm probably the only daughter awful enough to be so critical. I think maybe because she was single ever since I got married that we had a different kind of relationship. I felt really responsible for her and when she really just wanted me to listen I felt like I needed to solve her problems, or at least get her to not think they were a big deal. But she was always there to listen to me and encourage me. Why couldn't I have been that for her? I know she knows how I feel now, but sometimes it is hard for me to get past. When I look at her picture I know that she isn't really gone, someone so full of life could never just stop existing. I just miss being able to talk to her. Well this has been way to long and way too deep for a Friday, maybe I will be able to shake this mood now. I hope so.