Healing

The last few days I am happy to say that I have noticed some healing going on with me. Not only are my wounds from my bike accident getting better, but emotional healing has taken place as well. The other day I was cleaning up my room and came across a few of my mom's things. I actually have quite a bit of my mom's belongings throughout my house, but these are things that may seem a little strange to some people. The first item I keep in my nightstand. It is my mom's drivers license. When I cleaned out her purse I couldn't bring myself to get rid of this. I often come across it in my drawer and it brings up a lump in my throat, but not this time. I actually smiled! The next is this blue sweater that she wore in her obituary picture. This was one of her favorite sweaters at the end. I have so many memories of taking her to doctor appointments and lunch in it that even though I could never wear it, I can't give it away either. The rest of her clothes we gave away to her friends or good will, but I can't give this away yet.

The next items will probably seem really morbid, but it is the bag of her belongings from the mortuary. It has the clothes that she died in right down to her socks. They haven't been washed or anything.

One reason for that is this.

The nightgown still has the stains of a strawberry milkshake and cup of hot chocolate that I made for her the day she slipped into a coma. Her last meal basically. She seemed so happy that day and went on and on about how good they tasted. This is something that when I do pull it out and look at it I am usually bawling uncontrollably and only those who have lost someone can understand the pain that I usually feel. Today I pulled them out and thought, "Someday soon I am going to do something with these. I don't know what yet, but something." It was a great feeling to feel like I have finally made some progress in dealing with my grief. In honor of my taking this step forward I rented Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. The first one was one of my mom's favorite movies. I didn't have much interest in seeing it, but anytime I saw it advertised I had a knot in my stomach knowing that it was something I would have watched with her. I watched it by myself and didn't particularly like it, but as the credits were rolling at the end I suddenly felt my mom there. I felt like she was saying thanks for remembering me and the good times we spent together. It didn't bring me to tears, it made me smile and laugh. I looked over at her picture and I felt like she was saying, your going to be o.k and for once I believed her. I realize that the principle of compensation is true. My mom is gone and it is very hard without her, but I have been blessed with new people in my life and old friends and family who have helped compensate. I have a closer relationship with my dad now then I ever have before. My children have been blessed with aunts and uncles and my in-laws parents and friends who have shown them so much love. Much more than typical relationships. Just like with my arm I know that there will still be some pain as scabs are ripped off my heart and the process of healing continues, but I am so happy and thankful for healing power that has taken place in my life.