Hope

I am actually really enjoying the calm I have felt the last few days.  There have been little everyday bumps in the road, like a house full of sick kids, but generally it has been nice.  I had mouth surgery and so maybe the pain killers might have had something to do with that:)  I have been  thinking the last few days though, a dangerous pass-time of mine.  My counselor has encouraged me to open up to more people, that it will help to see who I can really trust and help me from processing everything through my body.  As anyone who has spoken to me lately knows, I have been doing this.  (I swear he would never believe me though) Last night about 1 am it kinda hit me how much I have done this lately and how I can't take it back.  All those people, and anyone reading this, will know. I am starting to see that part of his reasons for having me do this weren't just what he said, but  me getting over my fears of people judging me.  No one likes to feel like they are automatically labelled as something or looked down upon for some reason.  I guess there really isn't any going back now.  It's out there and so many people know.  It is freeing to know that it doesn't matter what they think.  The people who love and support me through all the ups and downs in my life (and some of the crazies) are the people that I want around me.  It will help me to see who those people are.  I also understand the people that won't want to be around me through this.  It is hard to understand something you have never been through.  We all have unique paths. This path isn't one I would have ever thought I would be on a few years ago. I couldn't have even told you how much I weighed and I wouldn't have been aware consciously of anything that was bothering me.  I believe there is a reason for everything we experience in life.  Some of the reasons we go through things are for our own growth, and some for the growth of people around us.  I have seen both take place in my life.  I have never felt the love of my family and my closest friends as much as I have the last year.  I understand the importance of families and what each child brings to the family as a whole.  I receive different wisdom and ways of showing love from each of my brothers.  I am so lucky to have them and feel a protection and strength from them and their spouses. My relationship with my dad has grown in ways I never could have foreseen, it has truly saved my life.  My relationship with Tony has been put in the fire so many times, but there is a devotion there now that there is no way to turn back after getting through so much together.  I would definitely say we are building an eternal marriage.  Without knowing that it goes on forever, the work that we are doing now might not seem worth it.  It is awesome to have someone willing to change and grow along with me during this process. 
So today I take a deep breath and appreciate where I am.  It is true I  feel like the next wave is on the horizon and will soon crash against me.  I am hoping to be able to hit it head on after having this time to recharge.  I am hoping to get use to the idea that this isn't such a private struggle anymore, and that is ok.  I am hoping that the people I really need will still be there, even though it isn't easy being my friend right now.  Hopefully someday I will be able to return the favor with the understanding and wisdom that I have seen in my friends who are now there for me after fighting their own battles.  I read something in the Ensign the other day, the story was different than mine, but I loved the ending.  It said, "don't give up hope in order to bury pain".  The next few weeks I will try to build up that hope so that I can finally "un-bury" the pain.