I'm in one of my funky moods today. We did a 22 mile bike ride yesterday and ended on a black diamond trail that I was actually able to do most of. When we got home I was exhausted, but I guess the adrenaline was still pumping and I couldn't sleep all night. It is never good when your mind is free to wander for so long. I started thinking about how different I am now compared to before my mom died. I started wondering what she would think of me now? Would she be happy or sad? In some ways I think I have grown and made positive changes, but in other ways I'm not so sure. I am definitely not as naive as I once was. It is a lot harder to see things in black and white, there is a lot more gray in the world than I previously thought. I have learned that people are not as cut and dry as you think. There is usually a multitude of things you will never know about them that makes them who they are. I have learned that the changes I have made in my life may not make sense to anyone else, so why should I judge the way other people live there lives. I am not afraid of death anymore, some days I would welcome it. I am more afraid of living miserably or wasting my time on earth. I now know that I will (have) make mistakes raising my kids instead of just being afraid I will. But I also know that if they are taught correct principles and know how much I love them they will be all right. I know that even though my parents made mistakes with me I don't have to hold on to it. They weren't so different from me, just trying to figure things out, learning from their mistakes. So though I have learned lesson and grown, I wonder why I feel like I am less? Am I missing my naiveness? Did I have more faith before? Did I think sacrificing myself made me more love able? Or is it just this gaping hole in my chest filled with sadness and pain for what could have been? I am always thinking about what it would be like if she was here. Last night we would have gone to the Relief Society Broadcast together, today she would have been at the kids primary program. Would I have recognized how special that was, or can I only recognize it now because it is gone. Also, what is coming next? What will be different in my life tomorrow that I am taking for granted today? I used to just live my life. Maybe that is the difference, I think too much. Do they have a pill for that?
Sunday, September 28, 2008
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4 comments:
Next time come with us to the meeting!:)
Yes, you should have come to the meeting with us. We are a lively bunch - I think I slept through most of it.
Oh Lori, funny thing that I just had this conversation with my husband this morning...President Monson's final talk on Sunday hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I am procrastinating on my relationships with my children..I had a bawl fest this morning talking to my sweet husband who is so patient with me. Life is flying past me, my kids are growing up, and I feel like I'm missing it even though I am with them all the time....quality time? or hurry, rush, rush, scripture reading, homework, practice, dance, sports, eat, SLEEP time? Yeah...I need a pill too.
You're not crazy Lori. It's called being a woman. I have felt all of these feelings at one time or another in my life. Sometimes more severe, sometimes a dull ache. Yeah, I wish they had a pill for that.
I went to the broadcast all by myself, like I do every year. I loved Elder Utchdorf's talk. It pretty much sums up what all women feel: inadequate. You're not alone in the womanhood quest.
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